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Commitment or
Privilege? (Rough draft)
Many of us look upon
relationship as a commitment. This includes relationship with self
and with others. How often have all said something like, “I am
going to commit to bettering myself,” or “I am going to commit to
making this relationship work.” I would like to suggest another
option -- that relationship is a privilege, and that commitment gets
in the way of fully realizing the intended blessings and direction of
relationship.
Why? Because commitment
limits privilege. If I am looking forward to picking Raspberries
tomorrow, I do not have to make a commitment to do it. Making a
commitment could detract from my enthusiasm and run contrary to my
energy flow. If the pair of doves together on a branch were asked to
make a commitment, their focus would shift from the bliss of the
moment and the truth of the now, to practical considerations such as
meeting expectations and ensuring security. At best commitment
distracts from relationship, and at worst it feeds doubt, undermines
security, and reroutes the direction of a relationship’s evolution.
Commitment is not a natural component of relationship, as it is
practiced primarily in societies in which natural core social
structures, such as clan, nonmonogamous coupling traditions, and
share shared parenting, are no longer practiced.
Let us use the example of
intimate relationship to illustrate the difference between commitment
and privilege. Commitment is contractual. Because contracts are
based on agreements, they are conditional. When agreements are
broken, the contract is broken. Such is the world of economics and
government. And, in modern times, such has become the world of the
most sacred of human sharings.
Is it possible that
contractual intimate relationships are a necessary evil, considering
our materialistic ego-based existence? What else holds things
together at those times when strife sours privilege and flight
promises relief? What about when we feel caged, as though we don’t
have any choices and nowhere to turn? If we felt committed to the
relationship, even though our heart was not in it, the relationship
could survive.
Perhaps. Perhaps also
the commitment overrides the opportunity for a deeper, more
soul-based reason for relationship to rise to the surface.
Perhaps also when we
resort to commitment we short-circuit the growth in awareness and
healing that the souring cycle of a relationship is intended to bring
about. For example, when someone feels caged she is most likely
caging herself, because she is projecting something upon herself. If
she feels that she cannot attend a program at the nature center
because she is expected to trim the hedge, she is not making her own
choice. She is projecting someone else’s expectation upon herself;
she is making her own cage, and stepping into it. Chances are she
will begin feeling and acting like a caged animal. A victim. Her
motivation will come from commitment rather than privilege.
What about the times,
even when we know without a doubt that we are with our lifemate, that
we just don’t feel privileged to be together? Our relationship has
gone flat – we no longer inspire each other, we feel no sexual
passion, we continually find reasons to be away.
In our natural state,
trust, rather than commitment, would serve the need. Trust carries
us when we have lost perspective, when we are too immersed in pain of
the moment to grasp reason. Trust keeps us mindful of the fact that
teachings come with the walking, and that we need to face our fears
and patterns in order to do the walking. Trust is what keeps us on
that teaching path; trust has a staying power which pales that of
commitment. Trust is what allows us to accept that times of doubt
and dullness are natural and necessary. Trust gives us the space to
exhale, in order that we can again inhale. Trust knows that we must
fast from our favorite food in order to again fully lust for it and
relish it.
Only with trust can
matedness be unconditional. Then the relationship becomes its own
fulfillment. Completeness of self and completeness of other are no
longer separate goals, and fulfillment ceases to be based on the
material aspects of life. My mate recently expressed it thusly,
“Your presence would transform the dingiest hovel into a veritable
Eden!” Any space becomes enchanted, any locale becomes sacred,
because those who are mated need only to be in each other’s
presence to feel graced and honored.
Partnerships, which some
people confuse with matedness, are conditional. Partners are
together by agreement, and agreements are based on commitment. Once
there is commitment, one can extend trust. Matedness is based upon
privilege, and trust is inherent in involvements based on privilege.
When I feel privileged, I naturally trust because I see only
opportunity and blessings. When I make a commitment, mistrust is
inherent because I needed a contractual agreement in order to enter
partnership.
Contrary to many people’s
belief, this mistrust is actually in myself rather than in my
partner. I am the one who needed the contract in order to feel safe
and secure enough to commit; I am the one who, for whatever reasons,
could not experience the relationship as its own fulfillment.
Commitment is merely
agreement, at best acceptance; privilege is honoring. Those who are
mated, revel in each other’s presence, unconditionally. “I lay
down beside you, thrilled to be in your presence. Perhaps we will
talk, perhaps we will enjoy the silence, perhaps we will Make Love,
perhaps we will take a nap. It doesn’t matter, as long as we are
together in the warm embrace of our Love” – my words to my mate.
This look at privilege in
matedness is a metaphor for how privilege works also in the other
aspects of our life. In the same sense, the pitfalls of intimate
partner commitment apply to how commitment in general tends to
short-circuit the spontaneous experience of deep happiness and self
fulfillment that is our natural and intended state of being.
On being apart
Ritual connection-wear a
piece of cloth from clothing of mate, to carry scent when apart.
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