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The Wellsprings of
Truthspeaking
When we speak
respectfully, avoid negatives, express our anger, and detach
ourselves from the outcome, we open windows to clarity and avoid the
illusions of the ego that can easily mask our Truth.
Respectful
Speaking We are naturally respectful in our speech, and
language is
naturally honorific.
Telling the Truth is our natural way.
It is the lubricant that smoothes our social interactions. Listen to
any young child—she does it spontaneously––until she is taught
differently. Under the guise of learning how to get along in a
non-Truthspeaking world, she is conditioned to speak for reasons
other than expressing her Truth. In order to get her needs met, and
perhaps even to protect herself, she learns to say what others want
to hear. Or what she wants others to hear.
She learns how to be polite and ‘paint
the Truth’ with sugarcoating and selective memory. Perhaps
deception and cursing are taught to round out her repertoire. If she
is well tutored, she will also be trained in the use of perhaps the
most Truth-suppressing tool—ego-centered and ego-charged
statements. When she feels vulnerable and doesn’t want to show her
deeper feelings, her reactive ego might throw out something like “I’m
mad at you!” or “You hurt my feelings,” as a self-protective
shield.
If it works, she has succeeded in
doing two things—bouncing the ball back in the other person’s
court and triggering defensiveness. This takes the attention off of
her and puts someone else in the hot seat. Bottom line: she doesn’t
have to get in touch with or express her Truth.
Like it or not, that is our legacy.
To change it, we each need to take the responsibility upon ourself to
renew our intrinsic Truthspeaking way.
A good part of exercising that
responsibility is carefully choosing words and mannerisms to express
our feelings. In this culture we often do the opposite—we choose
our words to elicit a desired feeling from another. In other words,
we manipulate. A common example that I see is statements like “I
love you,” or “I’m mad at you,” being said to trigger a
response rather than to Truthspeak.
To speak Truth is one thing—that
takes courage. To do so with Respect is another thing—that takes
skill.
Language is naturally honorific.
Whether or not it manifests that characteristic has to do with the
way we use it. You may be familiar with the regardful ways of the
Japanese People, for example. Along with the custom of bowing when
greeting her guest, a Japanese person will address her guest in a way
that makes the Guest feel honored. This is common practice with
Native and Traditional Peoples.
In less-structured Western cultures,
language can be honorific also. By choice of words (slang vs.
conventional, technical vs. general), it is usually possible to
ascertain the class, educational level, and status of both speaker
and addressee. This information is conveyed primarily not by what is
said, but by how it is said.
This point is crucial in restoring
Balance to our communication, because in the long run, how honorable
and respectful we are with someone will mean more to him than
whatever we may have talked about. No matter how impressive our
factual memory may be, it is still our feeling memory that we most
rely upon. Facts fade, feelings linger.
Our task in returning to Respectful
speaking is to learn how to communicate in ways that are not laden
with guilt, expectation, or judgment. At the same time, we wish to
be non-threatening and supportive of another’s Truth. That is a
tall order, so many simply choose not to communicate rather than face
the task.
That does not exonerate us of our
responsibility, because when we do not communicate, we usually resort
to making assumptions. By definition, assumptions are still
communication, albeit communication by default. They dishonor an
individual’s Truth, they deprive others of the experience of that
Truth, and they inevitably lead to conflict in relationships.
If relationship matters to us, we need
to speak as though it matters. When we choose not to speak our
Truth, we have made the decision that our pride or fear is more
important than the relationship. We have insulated ourselves from
whatever strength and integrity our partner might be able to lend to
the relationship.
When we speak our Truth, but do so
disrespectfully, we speak from a place of ego. Our Truth then has
trouble finding resonance with others. No matter what beauty our
Truth might hold, disrespect gives it a sour taste. Respect is like
savory dressing on a salad; it has a way of engendering the trust and
empathy that help make our Truth appetizing to others.
There are some who will use
pseudo-Respect to manipulate, either by using it to sell half-Truths,
or by using respectful words to try to create the illusion of genuine
Respect. There are others who, because they have been dominated or
abused, will speak with pseudo-Respect out of fear. They are making
an effort either not to be hurtful or to protect themselves from
being hurt more.
That is fearspeaking rather than
Truthspeaking. Inevitably, it backfires. And backfire it must,
because it is not real Respect, either for self or other. The
feelings it generates don’t go away—they fester and mutate, often
behind the screen of disguise and repression. When they surface—and
they will—it’ll likely be in distorted and insidious forms that
hardly resemble the initial feelings. It could be passive-aggressive
behavior, judgmentalism, or any number of other abuses.
Whatever the case, they are almost
guaranteed to cause hurt. With Respect-cradled Truthspeaking at the
onset, there might well have been no hurt.
How can this downslide be avoided?
There is a clear difference between genuine and sham Respect, and our
Heart-of-Hearts can intuitively distinguish between them. Yet we
have trouble recognizing the difference when we are not accustomed to
Truthspeaking.
Because of that, my approach is to
practice Respect, always. Then it doesn’t matter whether I am able
to discern between disrespect and Respect.
Respect tends to diffuse and transform
disrespect. When we return Respect for disrespect:
• We acknowledge, but do not
legitimize, the disrespect.
• We don’t
reinforce or encourage the one who is showing disrespect.
• We help
protect ourself (and others) from the hurt that disrespect brings.
• We break
the chain of disrespect and demonstrate the way of Respect.
For example, if
someone is angry and swearing at me, and I respond in like manner,
I’ll probably feed his fury and he’ll continue in the same vein.
On the other hand, if I were to respond with kindness and
understanding, some of his energy would be transformed. There is a
chance he will respond differently. Instead of pouring gasoline on
fiery coals, I have soothed them with Water.
(Text box
insert) Some straightforward ways to begin speaking respectfully:
• When in
doubt of gender, use she and he equally.
• Refer to a
Plant or Animal as she or he rather than it.
• Use who
instead of that, as in “She is the person who made
the stew” and "I think he is the
Crow who
woke me up this Morning."
• Capitalize
the spellings of all Animal and Plant Beings.
• Avoid
absolutes like never and always, and use instead terms
like maybe and perhaps. (Things
are not
always as they appear. Some Insects, rather than being trapped by
Spider’s web, use it
as a roost.)
• Refer to
others before self, as in “Fox, Steve, and I Gathered Berries this
Morning.”
• When stuck
in ego, try referring to oneself as this person or this
woman/man rather than I.
• Express
rather than repress.
• Speak it
now rather than later.
• Be brief
and concise.
• Own your
feelings — “I feel…” rather than “You make me feel…”
• Take
thoughts and feelings about another directly to that person. Taking
them to someone else
is gossip.
These steps
are natural doorways to recognizing and transforming contrary thought
and speech patterns, such as saying “I’m not hurt” when I
really am, or convincing myself that withholding my Truth is for
someone else’s comfort rather than my own. It is helpful to
remember that those patterns only half fill your bowl (your potential
to be your fully realized self). The rest of the space is for the
beautiful blessings and awarenesses that will come from the healing
of those contrary patterns.
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